


Angulimala

by fresne



Category: Life (TV)
Genre: M/M, Yuletide, challenge:Yuletide 2008, recipient:Nestra
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-21
Updated: 2008-12-21
Packaged: 2017-10-09 20:22:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/91215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fresne/pseuds/fresne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Charlie could not have said if the sun shone in the sky or if the world had washed away in a great flood. Well, except if the world had washed away in a great flood then the tiny cell would have flooded too. In which case, he would have been dead, which since he had not yet reached a sense of oneness with all beings that would have been unfortunate. </p>
            </blockquote>





	Angulimala

He had a room to himself. No cellmates for a cop in prison. No quarter in quarters.

On that day, they let him out of the tiny room when the sun shone. In that cell, Charlie could not have said if the sun shone in the sky or if the world had washed away in a great flood. Well, except if the world had washed away in a great flood then the tiny cell would have flooded too. In which case, he would have been dead, which since he had not yet reached a sense of oneness with all beings that would have been unfortunate. Also, he longed for the taste of a fresh crisp apple. He couldn't eat an apple if he were dead.

He couldn't eat one here either, but still there was always the potential of an apple. An apple was perhaps possible. Although, he tried to have no expectation of an apple. Still, sometimes he could taste one in his mouth. Clean and clear juice running down his throat.

Long ago, he'd raged when they'd put him that tiny cell. He'd paced and paced and paced the hours. He'd fought and struggled. Been broken and cut. Although, he wore his share of bloody handprints. Like Angulimala, he'd been unable to tell himself stop. He was better now. This was the now that he was in.

_dukkha_

Walking out into the yard. There was a ripple of his presence. He affected the environment by being in it. He looked around and smiled at the sunshine that fell on his face.

He saw a new face, a little soft at the edges with kind eyes.

Charlie said, "It's a beautiful day isn't it?"

The soft man said, "I don't have any money." He held up his soft hands as if to hold Charlie back. As if soft hands like that could hold anything back. As if any hands could hold anything back.

But that was beside the point. The point was to smile and say, "Do you think the day would be more or less beautiful if you had money." He tilted his head and felt the pale winter sun fall on his skin. He didn't close his eyes. It was not good to close your eyes. "The Buddha said that we should avoid attachment, but I like the sun. It feels good."

The man shrugged his soft shoulders. He looked up at the sky. "Yeah, I guess." He glanced at Charlie. He glanced away. He shuffled away from Charlie as if he still had chains around his legs. Charlie frowned and followed him. The man glanced nervously at Charlie. He walked right over the invisible line on the yard that separated no-man's land from someone's land.

"You shouldn't come over here." Charlie shouldn't have been over there either, but still he trailed after the soft faced man with the kind eyes. It had been a long time since he'd seen eyes like those and he felt like keeping them safe. As if anything could keep anyone safe.

_samadhi_

Charlie breathed in and breathed out. A trace of blood whistled between his teeth.

Ted fussed with a folded paper napkin that he'd wetted down with a cup of water. Charlie wasn't quite sure how to say that this was nothing. Other than to say, "This is nothing."

"It certainly looks like something." Ted dabbed at Charlie's knuckles. They were decorated with abrasions. Charlie tilted his head and watched Ted gently pat. He smiled and expanded his smile to include the roar of the room. Everyone was at their tables and territory watching with careful eyes. He smiled. Not many people smiled back.

"If I overcome anger then I will become delightful and loved by everyone." And yet, this room reflected the truth that just because he was semi-awakened, not everyone was going to love him. Or in some cases, not try to shove a shiv into his back when he was not looking. He found that the more one he was with the world, the easier it was to smash someone's face in when they tried to shank him.

You wouldn't think it would be like that, but that's the way it was. Still, there was Ted dabbing at the mild abrasions on his hand as if it meant something. The sharpened piece of plastic tray had been meant for Ted. Someone had meant it for Ted.

He wondered what it meant for the plastic tray to go from what it had been born to be, a non-harmer, to becoming a knife. He said, "Non-harmer is the name I bear, who was a harmer in the past, the name I bear is true today, I hurt not any one at all."

Ted ignored him as he always did at times like this. Instead he said something like, "I don't think it'll go septic." Then he dabbed some more. Charlie smiled at the room to let them know that everything was good and right with the world, because this was the world and he was a plastic tray that had been sharpened to a point and he'd keep what he had left to carry safe.

_vipassana_

They didn't talk about it. There was so little privacy in this place. Sometimes it seemed like that was the only privacy they had. So they didn't talk about it. Except sometimes Charlie did. He couldn't stop the words from bubbling out like blood from a wound. "Your hands are so soft"

Ted flinched. Ted always flinched, but he didn't move away in the deserted space of the shop. All around them, heavy machines slept and Ted did not move away. And it was true. Ted's hands were very soft. His touch was delicate. As if Charlie was something fragile. Or dangerous, something very dangerous and Ted was afraid of being eaten.

He even tasted soft. Not like an apple, which would be impossible because Ted was a person, but clean and fresh and crisp. Sometimes Charlie wanted to bite down, but he didn't. Couldn't stop himself from saying it against Ted's skin, and Ted would flinch, but he didn't move away.

_The World_

They rattled around the big empty house like two peas in a pod. Charlie ate peas now. He never used to eat peas. Before. Now he ate peas and he liked them.

They rattled around with all the space in the world. Sometimes Charlie felt like he would fly apart in all that space. He'd look at Ted and Ted would look at him. The only other person he knew who had the slightest clue what he felt. Who didn't have the slightest clue what he felt.

Cornered Ted in some closet. Corralled him in. Charlie didn't say anything. Except when he did. "Your hands are so soft." And Ted would flinch, but he wouldn't pull away.  


**Author's Note:**

> From: Devilc  
> Date: 04/20/2009 I loved the line about peas.  
> And as one of the other commenters said, only Charlie could combine Zen and a shiv.  
> From: aces  
> Date: 01/17/2009 "and he was a plastic tray that had been sharpened to a point and he'd keep what he had left to carry safe"  
> That is a beautiful line in a beautiful story.  
> From: Kyra Cullinan  
> Date: 01/05/2009 This is *trippy* and interesting and fantastically written. I love the sense of disconnect from reality, that blend of zen and offkilterness that makes Charlie, except way more intense than in the post-release version. I liked it a lot a lot.  
> From: Jill Kirby  
> Date: 01/01/2009 This is fantastic. Spot-on Charlie voice.  
> From: Arduinna  
> Date: 12/31/2008 Wow, this is incredible. You have a perfect Charlie voice; a little insane, because that's the only way he can survive. This gave me chills:  
> &gt;Charlie smiled at the room to let them know that everything was good and right with the world, because this was the world and he was a plastic tray that had been sharpened to a point and he'd keep what he had left to carry safe.&lt;  
> The Charlie/Ted was sharp and edged, too, and my heart breaks for them -- I'm so glad they have each other, but broken edges cut even when they fit together. Gorgeous, gorgeous work here.  
> From: Rinkle  
> Date: 12/31/2008 This story is so beautifully told and so beautifully in character (the voices are AMAZING, particularly Charlie's zenness) that I can ignore the fact that I don't like slash.  
> BRAVO.  
> From: shrift  
> Date: 12/31/2008 Charlie's voice in this story is just fantastic, funny and broken. I particularly loved:  
> He found that the more one he was with the world, the easier it was to smash someone's face in when they tried to shank him.  
> and  
> He was better now. This was the now that he was in.  
> From: torigates  
> Date: 12/30/2008 I really like how you write Charlie in this. Good work!  
> From: lynnmonster  
> Date: 12/29/2008 This was amazingly done -- the image of the plastic tray is especially memorable, and I love how Ted flinches but doesn't turn away.  
> From: delgaserasca  
> Date: 12/29/2008 I really enjoyed the tone of this fic; it felt extremely kindly, and extremely light, as though Charlie's calm and his zen were shining into it. That's a bizarre thing to say, I know, but that's how it read to me. It's very delicate. Lovely piece.  
> From: Melody  
> Date: 12/29/2008 Wow -- such a great story. I could really hear Charlie's voice in this, so clearly. Sweet, sad, and slightly creepy.  
> This part almost broke my heart:  
> He wondered what it meant for the plastic tray to go from what it had been born to be, a non-harmer, to becoming a knife. He said, "Non-harmer is the name I bear, who was a harmer in the past, the name I bear is true today, I hurt not any one at all."  
> From: elynross  
> Date: 12/28/2008 You did an amazingly good job with Charlie's voice; right from the start, I could hear him. And the tone fits in so well with the show. I particularly liked these bits:
> 
> He was better now. This was the now that he was in.
> 
> and
> 
> He found that the more one he was with the world, the easier it was to smash someone's face in when they tried to shank him.  
> From: SA  
> Date: 12/27/2008 Their world is so filled with sharp edges, edges that will never be blunted. I loved this.  
> From: Tassos  
> Date: 12/27/2008 I like this look at Charlie in prison. Very nice.  
> From: cofax  
> Date: 12/27/2008 Oh, Charlie and Ted: broken, and yet also whole.
> 
> Excellent.  
> From: J Calanthe  
> Date: 12/26/2008 This is really good! I love Charlie &amp; Ted's conversation about money when they first met. &amp; I love that there are so many layers here - I feel like I could reread this over &amp; over and get something different out each time. Thanks!  
> From: miriad  
> Date: 12/26/2008 This is one I'm going to have to think a lot more about. Read a few more times just to be sure.
> 
> You've got a great Charlie voice and this feels so true to who he is. I'm still trying to interpret the Charlie/Ted relationship here.
> 
> This is very, very good. It is a lot darker than I was expecting and gets darker still upon second reading.  
> Excellent story.  
> From: agate  
> Date: 12/26/2008 Ooooh, Charlie/Ted! NICE. I have a huge weakness for anything dealing with Charlie and Ted's prison relationship and I liked how you captured Charlie's little edge of insanity here.  
> From: Annakovsky  
> Date: 12/26/2008 Oh man, I really liked this.  
> From: Nestra  
> Date: 12/25/2008 Oh, Charlie. Oh, Ted. Only Charlie Crews could combine zen and a shiv and make it funny and sad at the same time.  
> Thank you so much! I feel like I want to go somewhere quiet and read this aloud, wrap myself up in the words.


End file.
